D: The cat has never been outside.
S: She’s been outside once.
D: When you bought her?
S: No, I walked her once when I was little.
D: What!?
S: Shut up! I wanted a dog, okay!?

I’ve Never seen such a Lousy Pair of Antlers

Look at yourself
Loot at yourself in the mirror
Like; like; like;
Like a pinball machine
Or a really preachy prostitute
National flower day! National flower day!

Look: I’m going to be honest with you

The pot is full
The hose is out of buffalo barley cakes
I’ve got nowhere else to go
But I have no choice but to inform you of the following:
I’ve never seen such a lousy pair of antlers

You’re Killing Me, Albert


It’s a fucking crapshoot!
Like throwing daisies in a puddle
Or slamming your face against a smokey jar of jelly beans
Or the lazy-eyed fellow in the court yard
His beaver friends spewed about the upholstery

Well I’ll tell you, I’ve had quite enough!
When the church bell finally decided to ring again
I heard your call

You’re killing me, Albert

(Title idea courtesy of Many Chickens)